Puzzle

I am trying so unbelievably hard to figure things out. Trying to figure out who I am, and what I need to do, and who I need to be, and where I need to go...Where I belong.
I'm not entirely sure how to figure this stuff out to be honest with you.

Apparently I am "Emotionally needy" or so my friend David says. I think he is right...But it doesn't make much sense, that I'm emotionally needy. I spend most of my time alone, my thoughts hidden away. Fake smiles and forced conversations...That's all it's added up to lately. I'm a very fortunate person, to know the people I know, and have the friendships that I do...But I feel as if I'm missing so much...Too much. I don't know what it is I need to be happy.

I don't know if I need to make more friends, or find a guy, or go places, and see things, or do things of importance, or accomplish something....I don't know what it is. Any of those things, or all of the above, or something entirely differerent. I haven't got a clue. But I know I'm not going to find the happiness I'm looking for by continueing my routine of staying at home, and being alone all the time. I need to get out, and go places, do stuff, something...Anything. There is no new happiness to find sitting at my computer, or laying in bed with a book in hand.

I wish I had a hint, you know? A single clue. I feel like I'm looking at a big picture, but only focusing on a little peice of it...Or I'm looking at this big picture, and that's all I'm seeing. I can't see the little details. I don't know wich, but it's something like that. I just want to see it all. The whole picture.

Sigh. The puzzle of me, and my life is unscrambled, and unfinished, obviously. It's harder though, to complete a puzzle when you never know what the original picture is supposed to look like. It's difficult. And I'm trying to peice it all together. Peice by peice, without looking at the front of the box. I want to get the peices to fit, and not lose any of them before it's complete. I want to know how it's supposed to look. I want to see the perfect pucture made once every peice is set together. I don't want to cheat and look at the box, and I don't want to give up because it's so damn hard. I want to get to the very last peice to see that picture as a whole. The only one who has seen the picture completed, and knows how it will look once it's done is God. And I'm trusting in him, I'm trusting he will lead me the right way. I'm trusting this puzzle will be completed in time, and it will be worth the wait. I don't want to be afraid, or paranoid, or worried....I want the freedom of putting all my trust, all my faith in God. And so I am.

From this moment on, I will no longer worry about the things that I can NOT change. I will no longer get paranoid when there is no reason for it. I will no longer be afraid of what lies ahead for me, even though I can't see it now. I won't be scared I will fall because I can't see in the dark. I will trust in God to lead me right so I don't miss a step...My eyes will adjust to the eternal night that I am in, until the moment comes when the brightest of lights burns my vision, and I must adjust to it. I am trusting in God. All my faith. Every last bit of it, as of this moment, goes to him.

I will be patient, to see the puzzle completed.