Dreamin Of Your Love

Falling in love is much easier then falling out of love. That much I know is true.

It's no easy thing, when you know it's time to let go and move on. Especially when you didn't choose to fall in love with the person. So how can you choose to fall out of love with them?

Even if it were that easy, I'm not sure I would want it to be. Because of this love I gained much much more then not.
I found who I am because of this love. I learned it's okay to be proud of who I am. I found confidence through this love. I found courage and bravery. I found creativity and imagination. I found hope, and faith because of this love. I found passion, and determination. I found depth and meaning in the small things in life. I found peace, and purpose. Because of this love I found my best friend, without whom I wouldn't be half of who I am today. Because of this love, I found myself.

Along the way I encountered pain. Unbelievable, horrid, black pain. Pain I didn't even know existed until I found this love. Pain that sapped my emotional and physical strength, and ripped me of my sanity. Pain that could kill a weaker soul. I encountered hoplessness, over and over again. I came across road block after road block. Everything pointing in one direction, all my senses gravitating in one direction, while fear and doubts tried to pull me back the opposite way. There were days I did nothing but cry, while lying in bed. When I couldn't eat, or sleep. I couldn't find a shred of hope, and all I felt was fear, and pain. I was obliterated by it, over and over again. But no matter how many times I fell to my knees in the pouring rain, crying out to God for some sign, no matter how many times I missed a meal because I saw no point in eating, no matter how many times I stayed awake all night to cry for him, no matter how many times I had to just stop and take a breath, I did not look back, not once. I did not turn back. Didn't want to, think about it, try to. There was no turning back. Not when everything was pulling me toward him. Every little thing. All to him. I could not, would not turn back.

And I never did.

Even now, when there is not one shot in this life of me being with him in any way more then friendship, I don't look back.

I can look away, and it's a painful thing to do, but there is no turning back. From day one, when I took my first step on the road toward him...There was never any turning back.

And now, at times I feel all my pain and suffering was for nothing. Because in the end I don't get the guy. But that's not true. It wasn't for nothing. It wasn't pointless. Because I gained so so much from all of this. From this love for him. I found so much. And all that end-of-the-world pain I went through was worth it, even now when I will never be able to say "I did it. I made it." Because that dream died on July 3rd 2009. And it will never come true now. And it kills me. I've tried so hard to be okay. To be brave, and strong through all of this. I tried to keep my sanity, to spare my friends from worrying that I'd lose myself again. I think I've done a good job too...But I can't wear this damn smile forever when I have so much pain bottled inside, burning, eating away at me.

I just have to let it out every now and then...

One day at a time...

Just a little bit longer...

Taking breaths...

I can make it. And one day I know I will be thanking God for those unanswered prayers. But now, as my tears crash out of my firey green eyes, I have to find my strength again, and cling to it for dear life. I have so much.

I was so very weak, but after going through so much pain, and finding so much that I never knew I needed, my strength has only grown. Every tear I cry makes me stronger, though I feel so weak and vulnerable. Every time I look at him, I get stronger, though it takes so much out of me. It hurts worse to try and look away.

I can't move on, and let go in one day. I can't do it in a week, or a month, or a year. It's going to take time before I'm happy about those unanswered prayers. But I haven't, not once, regreted a moment of this journey. Everything happens for a reason. Boy does it...

I learned the hard way. I took the hard way. And no, I did not suceed, not the way I wanted or planned to. But that doesn't mean I failed. I know I didn't fail. I wasn't just chasing my own happiness, more important to me was to insure his happiness. And he is happy. Mission accomplished.

*BTW Crying for like two hours straight*

I was fine today, but I listened to this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVVKJVKqQGE) and now, here I am; Crying my eyes out, emptying thoughts and feelings onto this page...And let me tell you, this isn't even half of it, not even close. This is just the short story, a quick summary...I haven't the time to go deeper tonight.

*And thank you to that best friend I found...You know who you are. I couldn't have made as far as I did, or come out on the other side still alive as I am, without you at my side. So thank you.

...And my love, my dearest, truest, most beautiful love...He will always be in my heart. Always, no matter what, every day I live on this earth, and every day I live in peace in the after life...My heart always has been, and always will be yours...
*K2<3*

-May The Stars Watch Over You!