Concert in Atlanta

So...

I went to a Jonas Brothers concert in Atlanta Georgia on the 22nd.
SO. MUCH. FUN.

The night before I stayed with one of my friends...And I never can sleep when I stay the night with people. We didn't go to bed till 2, and I was laying awake for several hours...And we woke up at like 8...So, needless to say I got barely any sleep. Then in the car for three hours...That's always fun...Ha...When we got to Atlanta, we went to this resturant called Varsity...It was SO busy. But I couldn't eat, so now everyone thinks I'm like annorexic or something, because I barely ate anything for two days...But truth is I just can't eat before or after a Jonas concert...And I have stomach problems...I just don't eat much. I love food, but I take it in small protions because of my stomach...

But anyways...

We couldn't find a hotel, so went to hang out with our friends in their hotel for a bit before the show to get ready. That was fun. I like NEVER get so see any friends anymore. So, having that time before the concert was awesome.

When we actually went into the concert, man...It was intense. I couldn't really control my excitment. Every five minutes I was all "I'M SO EXCITED!" I know I annoyed everyone within a ten foot radius of me, that's for sure. Lol. I was just so happy to see my boys again...Last time I saw them I lost my mind, literally. It was horrid...So, to be able to see them, and keep my sanity was a wonderful thing, though my physical health got questionable throughout the night...

First up was Honor Society, and OMG I am IN LOVE with their music. It's so freaking epic. I can't get enough of it. So, that was awesome, seeing them live. Of course, my friend I was with doesn't like them all that much, and didn't know any but one of the songs...And insisted the "Honor Roll" dance was 'gay' But did it during the song with me regardless. That was really fun. Not many people in my section knew the songs...Like no one was singing them, and only three other girls three rows infront of us were doing the Honor Roll....But either way, it was fantastic. I wish they had played more songs...All they did was "Over You", "Two Rebels", "Where Are You Now", "Full Moon Crazy", and "See You In The Dark" I believe....

Epic. Duh.

Then Wonder Girls did their one song, and I won't lie, I sat down when they did...I was already feeling faint, just after Honor Society and had to save my energy. I just felt so sick...That early into the show...It wasn't really normal...

After that was Jordin Sparks...I was standing most the time for her. I only sat during one song, and it was a song I didn't know, so, didn't matter much. But she was fantastic.

But then my real excitment came in....When Jonas Brothers came on after her.

OH. MY. GOD.

There are no words.

I am just so in love with those boys...In so many ways...It's so....Intense? Yes. The moment my eyes found them, I felt like I was flying. Honestly. It was so perfect. Pure bliss. I watched Kevin pretty much the whole time...Unless he was on the other side, then I usually watched Joe (I payed more attention to him then is usual for certain reasons), or Nick. I saw a lot of Christa Black and John Taylor because they were right infront of our section, so that was awesome. Me and my friend made a sign for just about everyone. And she also dressed as a banana, but no one of importance noticed it.

I cried when Nick gave his little speach. I never can get through a Jonas Brothers concert without crying...But I only cried then (I also teared up a bit during "Gotta Find You" and "When You Look Me In The Eyes" though) ...Nick was just so...Oh...No words. I wanted to hug him so bad...And never let go. Lol. It was funny though, because at one point it got kinda quiet, and Nick was sitting at the piano, not talking, not playing it, just sitting there...And it was as close to silent as can be at a Jonas concert...And my friend just wailed so loudly, then Nick tilted his head to the side with this cute confused look on his face. It was wonderful! Haha...

Very epic moment for me though was the very end. I was on the verge of tears, because the boys were going back under the stage. I was standing on the arms of my chair, so I was taller then everyone around me, and people were already leaving, so not many people were behind me...And I was holding up the sign I made for Christa Black. It said "God Loves Christa" (Because of her song "God Loves Ugly" and how inspirational she is!) And right after the boys sunk under the stage, the band was going down too, but before they did Christa took her little violin stick thingy and pointed it right at me...And I was like shaking...I felt like I could fly...Like some great magical force was going to lift me into the air and take me away. It was so amazing. (She actually mentioned my sign in her blog!)

When were walking back through the building, the Wonder Girls walked right past us, and I jumped out at them, and said "HI!" really loudly...The first two ignored me...But then I jumped IN FRONT of the other one and said "HI" and high fived her, and the other two...I think I freaked them out...I was all "HI! HI! HI!" Haha...

And then when we were leaving, everyone was in line to meet Honor Society...They were all crowded on the stairs...And Emily was dragging me away, but I looked up and saw Andrew Lee and Michael Bruno looking over the ledge and I screamed soooooo loudly, then everyone around me started screaming. Michael looked down their...Doubt he saw me, cause I was being dragged out the door as this happened, but I started the little avalanche of screams that came from the people down below the stairs. It was funny, cause I was turned around when Em dragged me out the door so the back of my head hit this old lady in the face. I felt sooo bad...But I was just so excited, cause Honor Society was like right there at the top of the stairs...And of course my other friends were in line to meet them..For a second time...So lucky. Haha. (Honor Society actually remembered them from the first time they met! Epic!)

Then you know, we got in the car, I felt like I was going to puke...I almost did in fact. I was like freaking Em out because I was breathing all weird, and had my hand over my mouth and my eyes closed....But I made it without any regurgitation. We found a hotel, and I finally ate...Had a cheeseburger, wich killed my stomach. Barely slept...Woke up early...Didn't eat....We watched movies in the car on the way home...And when I finally did get home, I got into some pajamas and layed in my bed and slept alllll day...I always get sick after Jonas concerts...I had a horrid headache, and a fever, my whole body was sore...My throat was burning, my voice was just dead...

Sigh...

It was a fun concert though. So so so very fun. I don't think I can wait that long to see them again...Seriously. It's torture. Such an epic night. Duh.

Goodnight all, I need more sleep. Love you!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

This Journey

I'm trying to be more "Free"
But the fact that I'm trying, doesn't work....I need to just let it happen...Not try so hard to make myself feel one way, or think one way...So I'm now trying to not try to feel "Free" And when I say free, I mean that in multiple ways...But first and foremost, free with myself, through God.

But anyways, it is REALLY late right now, and I need sleep. But I wanted to post this song I wrote about my best friend Hollie. Here goes...


-This Journey-

This journey started long ago. At first I was on my own. Then you came along, and we shared a passion for the song writers. And from then on, we got strong, formed a bond. Things got harder, but we handled it together. Times we said "We'll never make it! Who are we kidding, we can't do this!" But we knew we were wrong. Followed the signs, trusted our hearts. Always thinking "Just a little bit longer, can't be much farther, how could this get any harder?" And somehow, we're still together, still on this journey...

Never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

We've gone through so much together. I cried so many tears, you told me "It will get better!" We held on tight. Prepared for the fight. I kept you strong when you began to doubt that any of this would really work out. We've made it so far, and never once looked back. We're finding our future, that's where it's all it. Standing on the battlelines, shoulder to shoulder, ready for every attack. You need not worry, you got me. I got your back. We'll take them all, standing tall. We aint gonna fall this time. Not much farther, things will be much better sooner then you think...

I've never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

I've learned so much in all the time I've spent with you. Everything good and bad on this journey I wouldn't give back. Everything happens for a reason, and our tears will be compensated with all the smiles that we lacked. Times don't change. Love stays the same. There is never anyone to blame. We blame ourselves, we find the faults, we know deep down, it is all wrong. We are so right, we're gonna make it, just need some time, we'll keep prayin!

I've never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

This journey is so worth it. I know it to be true. Even if we failed, in one way I prevailed cause I've never had a better friend then you. Never, not once, no one else could do. I've never had a better friend then you!

:) Goodnight all!
*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Don't Even Know...

I don't even know what to say right now.
Today has been...Different...I'm not sure how, but it has...

Buuut...It was also the birthday of a very wonderful man...Man, he isn't a boy anymore, he's a man! My goodness! Sigh. Anyways, Joseph turned 20...That's exciting. I made chocolate cupcakes while jamming to Jonas all afternoon. I was also going to make dinner tonight, but I had a surprise visit from two friends, so we sat up in my bedroom talking about nothing really for a few hours. I wouldn't really say that was fun. It was good to see them, because one of them I hadn't seen since early july...But it was just one of those days I wanted to be alone, ya know?

Tonight I tried taking another stab at writing...I think there is something bothering me that I just haven't acknowledged yet, that's making it so hard to concentrate. I don't know what. I mean, it's got to be something, right? I just don't know.
I've been sick a lot lately too. Like, I have NO energy, and I keep getting headaches, and fevers....My stomach always hurts, but that's not new...Something is also wrong with my knee, but that's bearable...But it doesn't make sense. I usually get sick when my emotions get out of wack, but I am currently emotionally stable. I haven't cried or worried and anything. Not over Kevin, not over David...Not over anything. I mean, I get emotional alot, but not in the sense that it will make me sick. Not recently...So I don't know...And I don't have insurance, so I can't go to the doctors either way. Lame, let's hope it'll pass without leaving much damage...

Well, I have been beating myself up over the fact that I'm not getting much support on my whole "College later, LA now" decision. It seems no one thinks any good of the idea. I got one friend who doesn't think I'm going to go through with it, one who thinks it doesn't really matter much, one who wishes me the best but doesn't have an actual opinion, and one who advises me against it entirely...Then there is the family issue. Mom who says "It's my choice" Wich means she won't say I should, or shouldn't, but ultimatly thinks I shouldn't. And I don't even want to begin to imagine what my dads opinion will be...Uber sigh!

On the upside, I get to see my boys next week! That will be great. Haven't seen them since January, and I was mentally, emotionally, and physically unstable then. (I thought I was dying, while I sobbed in the middle of the street in pouring rain) I went insane, pretty much. But now I'm as good as can be. So, It should be pretty freaking amazing!

Well, it's three in the morning. And, I need a shower, and sleep...I may wait till morning to shower...Cause I'm pretty tired, though with my luck I'll get up to bed and not be able to sleep for hours. Story. Of. My. Life.

Well, nighty night all!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Determined

Music makes me feel so ALIVE.

I swear, I can be so down, or confused, or worried...And I just turn on the tunes, and let the music take over me, and my smile becomes genuine. Haha, it's great.

So, I FINALLY got an idea for a screen play. And believe it or not, it's a love story. Man oh man...It's a good one though. Promise! Just hope I can turn it into a screenplay. Maybe one day it will be a movie, how freaking awesome would that be? SO AWESOME!

I'm an extremely confident and determined young soul. And when I have everyone I know basically telling me "You should do this. It would be better for you. Do this first." It makes me even MORE determined to do what I want, just to prove to them I can do it. And I'm sure I can. I know it's going to take time. I mean, I'm not going to be one of the lucky ones who moves to Los Angeles and gets an acting job within a month...That's a rarity I won't be getting. I know it's going to take time, and work. But I'm up for it. I can do it. I just wonder if I will have anyone on my side, saying "You can do it Bree, you go and show em!" Sigh...Well, I will show them. That's for sure. And It's going to be one long hard road before I get to...But I can stick it through. I'm made of tougher stuff then people know. :)

God made me that way. And in his eyes I shine. That's all that matters. God loves me. I'm good enough. I can make it. I'm not brave out of foolishness...I'm brave because I have God on my side, there to lead me when things get dark and I can not see....His light will lead the way for me. Always. And knowing that, I won't fail. I'm determined...To be all that I can be...To be all that I am...All that he made me to be.

And so I will.

Now though, is time for Brianna to go sleep and dream of beautiful men who one day may star in my very own love story. *Crosses fingers* :) Goodnight all!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Tired

Sigh.

I feel SO tired. I went to Dollywood with my friend Samantha and her family the other day. It was uber fun. Especially hilarious when her stepdad almost threw up on the mystery mine wich was a freaking awesome coaster. Lol.

I got like 2 hours of sleep before we left, at 7 in the morning, and were there for hours, walkign around the whole time. Plus I got a bit sunburnt, so my energy is GONE. (The sun and me don't get along too well)

So now I'm trying to keep my eyes open as I type this. I'm tired but not enough to sleep, but the screen is making my eyes all watery, so I should probably head up to the bedroom and put on a movie. Sad thing is, I've seen every movie I have...And I want to watch something new, wich I could do online, but I'd be stuck sitting in this chair with watery eyes the whole time. SIGH.

I don't even know. I just want to go to sleep, and dream about Garrett Hedlund who stars in all my dreams these days. Beautiful. Lol.

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Writing

So...

Today was tiring. Sad thing is, I didn't do anything though. Haha. Just one of those days, ya know? I did make dinner though, two nights in a row. I'm a better cook then I thought too. Haha.
On a random note, I keep getting a call from 'Unavailable' Not restricted, just unavailable. I'm not sure I should answer, but if they call again I might. They've called every day. Four times today, and like two every other day this week. I don't get it. What unavailable number would be calling me? Maybe it's something good though...Maybe I like, won a million dollars or something. HA...That'd be wonderful, talk about some wishful thinking. Lol.

I need a job though, BAD. If I do infact decide not to go to college after I graduate (Wich I'm pretty set on that road) Then I need to save my money. Every freaking cent of it. I'm going to have to have enough money to get to LA, and get an apartment there...Wich will be a lot of money. SIGH. No one wants to hire me. Hm...Everyone has babies now, maybe I can do some lame babysitting work till I get a real job...I don't know. I'm so desperate, I think I'd work anywhere...

Well, a little off topic...I write, a lot. Mostly short stories for the amusement of my friends. And I write songs like, every day. But that's about it. Now, the story I am currently writing is very messy, very just...Thrown together. And the thing is I am obligated to finish this one. I have about 30 stories I've started but never finished, because I get bored with them, or can't think where I want to go with them...But this one was supposed to be different. Lol...But it really does suck. My friends won't say this to me, maybe they don't think it sucks like I do. But, I sort of cut a lot of corners in it. When I know the backround, and why one thing happened, and why this is like this in my mind, I forget to put it on the page. A big mistake that makes me story sort of not make much sense more then half the time. So, I'm debating whether or not I should go ahead and go back and rewrite everything I have written already, and edit it up before continueing. I want to finish this story, but I think I should fix it before I finish it. Then, if I can make it make sense and have a good plot line to it, I might continue it. Make it a series or something. I don't know yet. It's all so confusing...

And there is also the fact that I want to start writing screen plays. (For those who don't know what a screen play is, it's a movie on paper really) And I have NO ideas for it. I mean, I want to write several, get some practice with it, and get good at it. But I can't think of an idea for it. I mean, I'm best with the love stories (Though I'm not a fan of love stories) But I can't think of an idea for one that isn't so lame and overused. I need ideas. I mean, I can't write action, or horror, or scary of any kind. I can do love, and drama, and maybe I could do fantasy....But still. Sigh...
Well, good news is I already have my leading lady and leading man in mind if I infact do a love story. Haha. :)

Man, music makes me happy...Just thought I would share that. Lol.

I don't know what else to say at the moment, so, I'm going to just go...And...I don't know. Try and figure out my writing. If I don't hurry up and do something with my writing my bestie will behead me for sure! Lol. :)

* May The Stars Watch Over You!

Randomness

Today, I have felt very...Elated? Yes, elated, Very confident too. Like all the choices and thing's I keep going over in my mind aren't bothering me anymore, at least not today. I'm confident that the choice I'm making is the right one, even if it's the one that isn't as reassuring. I'm reassured that if I take that road, I won't fail. I'm also sure if I don't take that road I will wonder what if every day...And I don't want to wonder that. I want to know.

So, now for the hard part. I need to get a job and save up my money so when I graduate and the time comes I can afford to move across the freaking country...It's going to be scary. I'm a very independant girl, but to move somewhere I've never been, and not know anyone there...YIKES! But I can handle it. I need to grow up, fly out of the next, all that junk. Haha.

Today my friend "Wolf" Asks me how I feel toward him, because he thought he knew but he wanted to know if anything had changed. And I told him. I straight up told him how I feel (Wich I have done countless times, but it was hard and tears were cried those times) But It's easy now. I was in a good mood, and my mood didn't shift when I delved into my feelings, and told him how he's one of my best friends, and how sometimes I wanna be more then friends, and other times all I want is the friendship. My eye's didn't even water. I am getting SO good at the acceptance thing. Before, I would have been depressed for the rest of the night had I talked about my stupid "feelings" with him. But now, it's just another conversation.

I don't think I have EVER been as emotionally strong and stable as I am now. Wich is a good thing, because I got a friend who may, or may not, need extra strength. (She's just as strong as me, just doesn't know it, and not yet learned the control thing, but she will) But the point is, I'm reaching levels of strength I hadn't known before.
The other day, at the movies with my friend, some thing came on, said something about guys having tickling fights, and I was like "What guys have tickle fights?" and she makes a joke about "Danger" and his brother, let's call him..."Angel"....But she said "Chipmunk" doesn't do that, because he does it with "Daisy" And that was sort of a blow to me, ya know. Didn't expect her to go there. Don't think she realized that simple sarcastic joke could effect me, but it did. But I was strong enough to sort of push it aside and rearrange my thoughts so I didn't think about it.

I've got amazing control now. Any other time before now, and that simple remark could make me cry right then and there. Sigh.

On another note, I been studying screen plays. I want to write screen plays one day, and I want to be an actress, so it's good knowing how they are set up, and how to read a script and all that. But anyways, I was reading the first draft of the "Twilight" screenplay and I'm not even ten minutes into reading it when I find out it's much better then the movie. They cut out a lot they had originally planned to put in the movie it seems. Lol. Made me laugh. But I liked the screen play better then the movie, even though it was still not as good as it could have been. I'm such a critical person. Haha.

Well, well, well....I LOVE MUSIC...
Just felt like sharing that with you people. I have this deep fascination with Lauren Fairweathers music. I relate to her so well. I swear. She = Awesome. You should check her out. Haha.

Okay, it's almost 2:00am...And I should be getting to sleep (though I'm not tired at all) Sigh. Either way, my computer might spontaniously combust if I decide to stay on it for much longer...So...Goodnight all!

* May The Stars Watch Over You!

I'm in a Hurry...

I dream about you every night.

I think about you every day.

I'm holding a place for you, inside my heart.

I'm anxious, to feel you heart beat.

I wonder, if you're looking for me too...


Sigh. I'm on that journey, trying to find "Mr. Right" I don't really know if there is such a thing as "Mr. Right" but I know there is a "Mr. Right For ME" And I'm really really overly ready to find him. Everyone is all "Bree, you're only 18, you got plenty of time to find the right guy" But honestly, tomorrow is never a garuntee. I don't know how long I got before my road ends. I'm not invincable, and I'm not going to ignore that fact. You see things happen to other people, somewhere else, someone else. Always on the news. Do you ever think "That could have been me?" or worse "That could have been my brother, my best friend, my cousin, my aunt, my father, my son..." The thought may cross your mind, but you should never really take like for granted. I think about it a lot. And we don't have all the time in the world, no matter what people like to think. Anything could happen, at anytime. Life is unpredictable. And I don't want to make the mistake of forgetting that. I don't want to regret my decisions, and the things I do. I want to accomplish a lot of thing in life. People wonder why I am in such a hurry, but the thing is I don't have tomorrow. The future isn't set in stone. I want to do things, live my dreams, and find my love now, while I'm still young...Before my time runs out.
Since I don't know when it will run out, I'm eager to go out there...And find where I belong, and who I belong with.

Today I was talking to my mom and dad about random stuff, and my dad mentioned how I need to get a job. So I told him since i had already applied to several places and none are hiring, I would wait till I start my homeschooling this year before I go look for a job again. See, I want to get on a routine, I want to have my schedual set so I don't lose sleep, and get off track. I want to be settled into my school routine and work my job around it. Well, my dad's point of view has totally changed. He used to be all "School now, everything else later" He wanted me to go to college, I know that. But today he said I needed to get a job, since I'm 18, it was more important than my education...

Which made NO sense to me. It made me feel like he's given up on me in a way, you know? People are always like "You have so much potential" Teachers, parents, they all say that. I heard it so many times, especially since I never had really good grades growing up, I got the "You so much potential, if you would only work harder, try harder, focus more" speach ALL the time. But, I think my dad doesn't think I have potential anymore. I suppose that will make it easier when I tell him I'm probably not going straight to college once I graduate...

But it still depresses me a great deal. Maybe it's because I'm the stupid girl who dreamed of being an actress when she was little and didn't grow out of it. I still want to be an actress. I'm damn good too. It's the only thing about myself I really do boast on. And I want to write screen plays. I write short stories all the time. It's good practice. I'm getting better at it. And I want to film movies. I want to direct them, and produce them. I even want to do the dirty work, like building sets, and making models, and working with CGI technology.

And to be honest, I really can not wait to prove EVERYONE wrong. EVERYONE who ever doubted me, who ever laughed when I told them they'd see me on TV one day. Everyone who ever said "When pigs fly" And everyone who thought I was just another stupid girl with bad grades, a stubborn attitude, and an odd style. I can't wait to prove them all wrong. I don't want to be in this business for fame or money....It's because it's what I enjoy doing. I could care less about fame, and well, money is good, so I'm not going to deny that's a lovely perk. :)

Sigh. So, I'm in a hurry. I want to get to Hollywood. I want to start living my dream soon. And I really want to find the man of my dreams. Those are things I won't rush, but I'm in a rush to get to them...To get started. And so I will. I'm confident in myself. And I only hope that the people in my life will support me, and not go all "It's too bad, she had so much potential" on me...

<3 May The Stars Watch Over You!

"Hole Fillers"

So I went to the movies with my friend Emily. We saw G-Force, and I must say it was really stupid. I suppose you have to be ages ten and under to appreciate it or something. But I had fun none the less. I never go anywhere with friends anymore, it's rather depressing.

On another note, my best friend Hollie is off in California right now. Lucky lucky goose she is. She's there to catch a concert really, but, not just that, she's hoping to catch him. My hopes and prayers go out to her on that matter. I can't wait for the moment when I'm looking at the two of them together saying "I told you so" and thinking "It's about time" total pun intended. Haha. Sigh. It's bound to happen eventually. Unfortunatly, said guy, let's call him Danger...just got out of a relationship with a horrid whore...So, no good for him. But in all reality best window of oppurtunity for Holls. :)

(Put good in - Get good out!) = That's from a commercial I saw before the movie previews today, and I LAUGHED because, of course, my unnatural mind thought of Hollie and Danger. Sigh. I'm so strange. Lol.

Speaking of how strange I am, I have this whole concept of "Hole fillers" which basically means that while you are hurting over one thing, aka the reason there is a hole, you distract yourself with something good, but not as good as the thing that causes the pain.
So, say you like a guy, but he's with someone else...So you start spending more time with another guy, doesn't have to be more then a friend, just someone to take your mind off it and distract you, hence the term hole filler...He fills the hole of hurt. (I know, sounds cheesy)

Well, I am really running out of hole fillers.
I fall in love with a guy, lets call him...Chipmunk. Right, well he's of course with a girl, let's call her Daisy. So, while I am suffering over loving a guy who does not even have a clue cause he's so in love with miss Daisy, I met another guy. Let's call him Wolf. Well, Wolf soon becomes one of my best friends. Then the point comes when Chipmunk decides he's spending forever with Daisy, and I try to accept that. It's hard, but, I do my best. So, while I'm accepting that fact, I'm realizing I've started falling for hole filler best friend Wolf....but nooooo Wolf doesn't want me either, not as more then a friend. So now, I need yet another hole filler....I need a distraction from my original distraction (right when I typed that the TV said the word distraction lol) How sad is that though. Honestly. I can't seem to win.
Now I am trying desperatly hard to find a distraction, hole filler type of person, when to be truthful I don't go out. I don't meet people. I mean, how do you find a distraction in the form of a person when all you do with your time is stay at home and read and write...Sigh. I'm purposefully going through a 'phase' that doesn't do much for me. A Garrett Hedlund phase...I mean, there is only so much that can be distracting about an attractive actor who isn't very famous. I've already watched all the movies he has been in...Now what? Lol...So dissappointing.

My life is a complete bore. My option of taking a year off before college and going to LA is sounding better and more appealing all the time. Haha. I really think that's what I'm going to do...Despite the dissappointment everyone will have in me...It's what I want to do. And it's not like it's a perminant thing. It's not like I won't go to college...Just taking a year off and see how things go...Right?

Bah! It's half past midnight, and my head is near exploding point, so I think I am definitely off to bed. Good night all!

May the stars watch over you!

Puzzle

I am trying so unbelievably hard to figure things out. Trying to figure out who I am, and what I need to do, and who I need to be, and where I need to go...Where I belong.
I'm not entirely sure how to figure this stuff out to be honest with you.

Apparently I am "Emotionally needy" or so my friend David says. I think he is right...But it doesn't make much sense, that I'm emotionally needy. I spend most of my time alone, my thoughts hidden away. Fake smiles and forced conversations...That's all it's added up to lately. I'm a very fortunate person, to know the people I know, and have the friendships that I do...But I feel as if I'm missing so much...Too much. I don't know what it is I need to be happy.

I don't know if I need to make more friends, or find a guy, or go places, and see things, or do things of importance, or accomplish something....I don't know what it is. Any of those things, or all of the above, or something entirely differerent. I haven't got a clue. But I know I'm not going to find the happiness I'm looking for by continueing my routine of staying at home, and being alone all the time. I need to get out, and go places, do stuff, something...Anything. There is no new happiness to find sitting at my computer, or laying in bed with a book in hand.

I wish I had a hint, you know? A single clue. I feel like I'm looking at a big picture, but only focusing on a little peice of it...Or I'm looking at this big picture, and that's all I'm seeing. I can't see the little details. I don't know wich, but it's something like that. I just want to see it all. The whole picture.

Sigh. The puzzle of me, and my life is unscrambled, and unfinished, obviously. It's harder though, to complete a puzzle when you never know what the original picture is supposed to look like. It's difficult. And I'm trying to peice it all together. Peice by peice, without looking at the front of the box. I want to get the peices to fit, and not lose any of them before it's complete. I want to know how it's supposed to look. I want to see the perfect pucture made once every peice is set together. I don't want to cheat and look at the box, and I don't want to give up because it's so damn hard. I want to get to the very last peice to see that picture as a whole. The only one who has seen the picture completed, and knows how it will look once it's done is God. And I'm trusting in him, I'm trusting he will lead me the right way. I'm trusting this puzzle will be completed in time, and it will be worth the wait. I don't want to be afraid, or paranoid, or worried....I want the freedom of putting all my trust, all my faith in God. And so I am.

From this moment on, I will no longer worry about the things that I can NOT change. I will no longer get paranoid when there is no reason for it. I will no longer be afraid of what lies ahead for me, even though I can't see it now. I won't be scared I will fall because I can't see in the dark. I will trust in God to lead me right so I don't miss a step...My eyes will adjust to the eternal night that I am in, until the moment comes when the brightest of lights burns my vision, and I must adjust to it. I am trusting in God. All my faith. Every last bit of it, as of this moment, goes to him.

I will be patient, to see the puzzle completed.