Dreamin Of Your Love

Falling in love is much easier then falling out of love. That much I know is true.

It's no easy thing, when you know it's time to let go and move on. Especially when you didn't choose to fall in love with the person. So how can you choose to fall out of love with them?

Even if it were that easy, I'm not sure I would want it to be. Because of this love I gained much much more then not.
I found who I am because of this love. I learned it's okay to be proud of who I am. I found confidence through this love. I found courage and bravery. I found creativity and imagination. I found hope, and faith because of this love. I found passion, and determination. I found depth and meaning in the small things in life. I found peace, and purpose. Because of this love I found my best friend, without whom I wouldn't be half of who I am today. Because of this love, I found myself.

Along the way I encountered pain. Unbelievable, horrid, black pain. Pain I didn't even know existed until I found this love. Pain that sapped my emotional and physical strength, and ripped me of my sanity. Pain that could kill a weaker soul. I encountered hoplessness, over and over again. I came across road block after road block. Everything pointing in one direction, all my senses gravitating in one direction, while fear and doubts tried to pull me back the opposite way. There were days I did nothing but cry, while lying in bed. When I couldn't eat, or sleep. I couldn't find a shred of hope, and all I felt was fear, and pain. I was obliterated by it, over and over again. But no matter how many times I fell to my knees in the pouring rain, crying out to God for some sign, no matter how many times I missed a meal because I saw no point in eating, no matter how many times I stayed awake all night to cry for him, no matter how many times I had to just stop and take a breath, I did not look back, not once. I did not turn back. Didn't want to, think about it, try to. There was no turning back. Not when everything was pulling me toward him. Every little thing. All to him. I could not, would not turn back.

And I never did.

Even now, when there is not one shot in this life of me being with him in any way more then friendship, I don't look back.

I can look away, and it's a painful thing to do, but there is no turning back. From day one, when I took my first step on the road toward him...There was never any turning back.

And now, at times I feel all my pain and suffering was for nothing. Because in the end I don't get the guy. But that's not true. It wasn't for nothing. It wasn't pointless. Because I gained so so much from all of this. From this love for him. I found so much. And all that end-of-the-world pain I went through was worth it, even now when I will never be able to say "I did it. I made it." Because that dream died on July 3rd 2009. And it will never come true now. And it kills me. I've tried so hard to be okay. To be brave, and strong through all of this. I tried to keep my sanity, to spare my friends from worrying that I'd lose myself again. I think I've done a good job too...But I can't wear this damn smile forever when I have so much pain bottled inside, burning, eating away at me.

I just have to let it out every now and then...

One day at a time...

Just a little bit longer...

Taking breaths...

I can make it. And one day I know I will be thanking God for those unanswered prayers. But now, as my tears crash out of my firey green eyes, I have to find my strength again, and cling to it for dear life. I have so much.

I was so very weak, but after going through so much pain, and finding so much that I never knew I needed, my strength has only grown. Every tear I cry makes me stronger, though I feel so weak and vulnerable. Every time I look at him, I get stronger, though it takes so much out of me. It hurts worse to try and look away.

I can't move on, and let go in one day. I can't do it in a week, or a month, or a year. It's going to take time before I'm happy about those unanswered prayers. But I haven't, not once, regreted a moment of this journey. Everything happens for a reason. Boy does it...

I learned the hard way. I took the hard way. And no, I did not suceed, not the way I wanted or planned to. But that doesn't mean I failed. I know I didn't fail. I wasn't just chasing my own happiness, more important to me was to insure his happiness. And he is happy. Mission accomplished.

*BTW Crying for like two hours straight*

I was fine today, but I listened to this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVVKJVKqQGE) and now, here I am; Crying my eyes out, emptying thoughts and feelings onto this page...And let me tell you, this isn't even half of it, not even close. This is just the short story, a quick summary...I haven't the time to go deeper tonight.

*And thank you to that best friend I found...You know who you are. I couldn't have made as far as I did, or come out on the other side still alive as I am, without you at my side. So thank you.

...And my love, my dearest, truest, most beautiful love...He will always be in my heart. Always, no matter what, every day I live on this earth, and every day I live in peace in the after life...My heart always has been, and always will be yours...
*K2<3*

-May The Stars Watch Over You!

Concert in Atlanta

So...

I went to a Jonas Brothers concert in Atlanta Georgia on the 22nd.
SO. MUCH. FUN.

The night before I stayed with one of my friends...And I never can sleep when I stay the night with people. We didn't go to bed till 2, and I was laying awake for several hours...And we woke up at like 8...So, needless to say I got barely any sleep. Then in the car for three hours...That's always fun...Ha...When we got to Atlanta, we went to this resturant called Varsity...It was SO busy. But I couldn't eat, so now everyone thinks I'm like annorexic or something, because I barely ate anything for two days...But truth is I just can't eat before or after a Jonas concert...And I have stomach problems...I just don't eat much. I love food, but I take it in small protions because of my stomach...

But anyways...

We couldn't find a hotel, so went to hang out with our friends in their hotel for a bit before the show to get ready. That was fun. I like NEVER get so see any friends anymore. So, having that time before the concert was awesome.

When we actually went into the concert, man...It was intense. I couldn't really control my excitment. Every five minutes I was all "I'M SO EXCITED!" I know I annoyed everyone within a ten foot radius of me, that's for sure. Lol. I was just so happy to see my boys again...Last time I saw them I lost my mind, literally. It was horrid...So, to be able to see them, and keep my sanity was a wonderful thing, though my physical health got questionable throughout the night...

First up was Honor Society, and OMG I am IN LOVE with their music. It's so freaking epic. I can't get enough of it. So, that was awesome, seeing them live. Of course, my friend I was with doesn't like them all that much, and didn't know any but one of the songs...And insisted the "Honor Roll" dance was 'gay' But did it during the song with me regardless. That was really fun. Not many people in my section knew the songs...Like no one was singing them, and only three other girls three rows infront of us were doing the Honor Roll....But either way, it was fantastic. I wish they had played more songs...All they did was "Over You", "Two Rebels", "Where Are You Now", "Full Moon Crazy", and "See You In The Dark" I believe....

Epic. Duh.

Then Wonder Girls did their one song, and I won't lie, I sat down when they did...I was already feeling faint, just after Honor Society and had to save my energy. I just felt so sick...That early into the show...It wasn't really normal...

After that was Jordin Sparks...I was standing most the time for her. I only sat during one song, and it was a song I didn't know, so, didn't matter much. But she was fantastic.

But then my real excitment came in....When Jonas Brothers came on after her.

OH. MY. GOD.

There are no words.

I am just so in love with those boys...In so many ways...It's so....Intense? Yes. The moment my eyes found them, I felt like I was flying. Honestly. It was so perfect. Pure bliss. I watched Kevin pretty much the whole time...Unless he was on the other side, then I usually watched Joe (I payed more attention to him then is usual for certain reasons), or Nick. I saw a lot of Christa Black and John Taylor because they were right infront of our section, so that was awesome. Me and my friend made a sign for just about everyone. And she also dressed as a banana, but no one of importance noticed it.

I cried when Nick gave his little speach. I never can get through a Jonas Brothers concert without crying...But I only cried then (I also teared up a bit during "Gotta Find You" and "When You Look Me In The Eyes" though) ...Nick was just so...Oh...No words. I wanted to hug him so bad...And never let go. Lol. It was funny though, because at one point it got kinda quiet, and Nick was sitting at the piano, not talking, not playing it, just sitting there...And it was as close to silent as can be at a Jonas concert...And my friend just wailed so loudly, then Nick tilted his head to the side with this cute confused look on his face. It was wonderful! Haha...

Very epic moment for me though was the very end. I was on the verge of tears, because the boys were going back under the stage. I was standing on the arms of my chair, so I was taller then everyone around me, and people were already leaving, so not many people were behind me...And I was holding up the sign I made for Christa Black. It said "God Loves Christa" (Because of her song "God Loves Ugly" and how inspirational she is!) And right after the boys sunk under the stage, the band was going down too, but before they did Christa took her little violin stick thingy and pointed it right at me...And I was like shaking...I felt like I could fly...Like some great magical force was going to lift me into the air and take me away. It was so amazing. (She actually mentioned my sign in her blog!)

When were walking back through the building, the Wonder Girls walked right past us, and I jumped out at them, and said "HI!" really loudly...The first two ignored me...But then I jumped IN FRONT of the other one and said "HI" and high fived her, and the other two...I think I freaked them out...I was all "HI! HI! HI!" Haha...

And then when we were leaving, everyone was in line to meet Honor Society...They were all crowded on the stairs...And Emily was dragging me away, but I looked up and saw Andrew Lee and Michael Bruno looking over the ledge and I screamed soooooo loudly, then everyone around me started screaming. Michael looked down their...Doubt he saw me, cause I was being dragged out the door as this happened, but I started the little avalanche of screams that came from the people down below the stairs. It was funny, cause I was turned around when Em dragged me out the door so the back of my head hit this old lady in the face. I felt sooo bad...But I was just so excited, cause Honor Society was like right there at the top of the stairs...And of course my other friends were in line to meet them..For a second time...So lucky. Haha. (Honor Society actually remembered them from the first time they met! Epic!)

Then you know, we got in the car, I felt like I was going to puke...I almost did in fact. I was like freaking Em out because I was breathing all weird, and had my hand over my mouth and my eyes closed....But I made it without any regurgitation. We found a hotel, and I finally ate...Had a cheeseburger, wich killed my stomach. Barely slept...Woke up early...Didn't eat....We watched movies in the car on the way home...And when I finally did get home, I got into some pajamas and layed in my bed and slept alllll day...I always get sick after Jonas concerts...I had a horrid headache, and a fever, my whole body was sore...My throat was burning, my voice was just dead...

Sigh...

It was a fun concert though. So so so very fun. I don't think I can wait that long to see them again...Seriously. It's torture. Such an epic night. Duh.

Goodnight all, I need more sleep. Love you!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

This Journey

I'm trying to be more "Free"
But the fact that I'm trying, doesn't work....I need to just let it happen...Not try so hard to make myself feel one way, or think one way...So I'm now trying to not try to feel "Free" And when I say free, I mean that in multiple ways...But first and foremost, free with myself, through God.

But anyways, it is REALLY late right now, and I need sleep. But I wanted to post this song I wrote about my best friend Hollie. Here goes...


-This Journey-

This journey started long ago. At first I was on my own. Then you came along, and we shared a passion for the song writers. And from then on, we got strong, formed a bond. Things got harder, but we handled it together. Times we said "We'll never make it! Who are we kidding, we can't do this!" But we knew we were wrong. Followed the signs, trusted our hearts. Always thinking "Just a little bit longer, can't be much farther, how could this get any harder?" And somehow, we're still together, still on this journey...

Never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

We've gone through so much together. I cried so many tears, you told me "It will get better!" We held on tight. Prepared for the fight. I kept you strong when you began to doubt that any of this would really work out. We've made it so far, and never once looked back. We're finding our future, that's where it's all it. Standing on the battlelines, shoulder to shoulder, ready for every attack. You need not worry, you got me. I got your back. We'll take them all, standing tall. We aint gonna fall this time. Not much farther, things will be much better sooner then you think...

I've never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

I've learned so much in all the time I've spent with you. Everything good and bad on this journey I wouldn't give back. Everything happens for a reason, and our tears will be compensated with all the smiles that we lacked. Times don't change. Love stays the same. There is never anyone to blame. We blame ourselves, we find the faults, we know deep down, it is all wrong. We are so right, we're gonna make it, just need some time, we'll keep prayin!

I've never had a better friend. You and me; There is no end. Chasing those boys, we can't pretend. Living, dying, laughing, crying. I won't regret. Times like these, they are the best. We know it will all be worth it in the end. On this journey, I found the best of friends.

This journey is so worth it. I know it to be true. Even if we failed, in one way I prevailed cause I've never had a better friend then you. Never, not once, no one else could do. I've never had a better friend then you!

:) Goodnight all!
*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Don't Even Know...

I don't even know what to say right now.
Today has been...Different...I'm not sure how, but it has...

Buuut...It was also the birthday of a very wonderful man...Man, he isn't a boy anymore, he's a man! My goodness! Sigh. Anyways, Joseph turned 20...That's exciting. I made chocolate cupcakes while jamming to Jonas all afternoon. I was also going to make dinner tonight, but I had a surprise visit from two friends, so we sat up in my bedroom talking about nothing really for a few hours. I wouldn't really say that was fun. It was good to see them, because one of them I hadn't seen since early july...But it was just one of those days I wanted to be alone, ya know?

Tonight I tried taking another stab at writing...I think there is something bothering me that I just haven't acknowledged yet, that's making it so hard to concentrate. I don't know what. I mean, it's got to be something, right? I just don't know.
I've been sick a lot lately too. Like, I have NO energy, and I keep getting headaches, and fevers....My stomach always hurts, but that's not new...Something is also wrong with my knee, but that's bearable...But it doesn't make sense. I usually get sick when my emotions get out of wack, but I am currently emotionally stable. I haven't cried or worried and anything. Not over Kevin, not over David...Not over anything. I mean, I get emotional alot, but not in the sense that it will make me sick. Not recently...So I don't know...And I don't have insurance, so I can't go to the doctors either way. Lame, let's hope it'll pass without leaving much damage...

Well, I have been beating myself up over the fact that I'm not getting much support on my whole "College later, LA now" decision. It seems no one thinks any good of the idea. I got one friend who doesn't think I'm going to go through with it, one who thinks it doesn't really matter much, one who wishes me the best but doesn't have an actual opinion, and one who advises me against it entirely...Then there is the family issue. Mom who says "It's my choice" Wich means she won't say I should, or shouldn't, but ultimatly thinks I shouldn't. And I don't even want to begin to imagine what my dads opinion will be...Uber sigh!

On the upside, I get to see my boys next week! That will be great. Haven't seen them since January, and I was mentally, emotionally, and physically unstable then. (I thought I was dying, while I sobbed in the middle of the street in pouring rain) I went insane, pretty much. But now I'm as good as can be. So, It should be pretty freaking amazing!

Well, it's three in the morning. And, I need a shower, and sleep...I may wait till morning to shower...Cause I'm pretty tired, though with my luck I'll get up to bed and not be able to sleep for hours. Story. Of. My. Life.

Well, nighty night all!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Determined

Music makes me feel so ALIVE.

I swear, I can be so down, or confused, or worried...And I just turn on the tunes, and let the music take over me, and my smile becomes genuine. Haha, it's great.

So, I FINALLY got an idea for a screen play. And believe it or not, it's a love story. Man oh man...It's a good one though. Promise! Just hope I can turn it into a screenplay. Maybe one day it will be a movie, how freaking awesome would that be? SO AWESOME!

I'm an extremely confident and determined young soul. And when I have everyone I know basically telling me "You should do this. It would be better for you. Do this first." It makes me even MORE determined to do what I want, just to prove to them I can do it. And I'm sure I can. I know it's going to take time. I mean, I'm not going to be one of the lucky ones who moves to Los Angeles and gets an acting job within a month...That's a rarity I won't be getting. I know it's going to take time, and work. But I'm up for it. I can do it. I just wonder if I will have anyone on my side, saying "You can do it Bree, you go and show em!" Sigh...Well, I will show them. That's for sure. And It's going to be one long hard road before I get to...But I can stick it through. I'm made of tougher stuff then people know. :)

God made me that way. And in his eyes I shine. That's all that matters. God loves me. I'm good enough. I can make it. I'm not brave out of foolishness...I'm brave because I have God on my side, there to lead me when things get dark and I can not see....His light will lead the way for me. Always. And knowing that, I won't fail. I'm determined...To be all that I can be...To be all that I am...All that he made me to be.

And so I will.

Now though, is time for Brianna to go sleep and dream of beautiful men who one day may star in my very own love story. *Crosses fingers* :) Goodnight all!

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Tired

Sigh.

I feel SO tired. I went to Dollywood with my friend Samantha and her family the other day. It was uber fun. Especially hilarious when her stepdad almost threw up on the mystery mine wich was a freaking awesome coaster. Lol.

I got like 2 hours of sleep before we left, at 7 in the morning, and were there for hours, walkign around the whole time. Plus I got a bit sunburnt, so my energy is GONE. (The sun and me don't get along too well)

So now I'm trying to keep my eyes open as I type this. I'm tired but not enough to sleep, but the screen is making my eyes all watery, so I should probably head up to the bedroom and put on a movie. Sad thing is, I've seen every movie I have...And I want to watch something new, wich I could do online, but I'd be stuck sitting in this chair with watery eyes the whole time. SIGH.

I don't even know. I just want to go to sleep, and dream about Garrett Hedlund who stars in all my dreams these days. Beautiful. Lol.

*May The Stars Watch Over You!

Writing

So...

Today was tiring. Sad thing is, I didn't do anything though. Haha. Just one of those days, ya know? I did make dinner though, two nights in a row. I'm a better cook then I thought too. Haha.
On a random note, I keep getting a call from 'Unavailable' Not restricted, just unavailable. I'm not sure I should answer, but if they call again I might. They've called every day. Four times today, and like two every other day this week. I don't get it. What unavailable number would be calling me? Maybe it's something good though...Maybe I like, won a million dollars or something. HA...That'd be wonderful, talk about some wishful thinking. Lol.

I need a job though, BAD. If I do infact decide not to go to college after I graduate (Wich I'm pretty set on that road) Then I need to save my money. Every freaking cent of it. I'm going to have to have enough money to get to LA, and get an apartment there...Wich will be a lot of money. SIGH. No one wants to hire me. Hm...Everyone has babies now, maybe I can do some lame babysitting work till I get a real job...I don't know. I'm so desperate, I think I'd work anywhere...

Well, a little off topic...I write, a lot. Mostly short stories for the amusement of my friends. And I write songs like, every day. But that's about it. Now, the story I am currently writing is very messy, very just...Thrown together. And the thing is I am obligated to finish this one. I have about 30 stories I've started but never finished, because I get bored with them, or can't think where I want to go with them...But this one was supposed to be different. Lol...But it really does suck. My friends won't say this to me, maybe they don't think it sucks like I do. But, I sort of cut a lot of corners in it. When I know the backround, and why one thing happened, and why this is like this in my mind, I forget to put it on the page. A big mistake that makes me story sort of not make much sense more then half the time. So, I'm debating whether or not I should go ahead and go back and rewrite everything I have written already, and edit it up before continueing. I want to finish this story, but I think I should fix it before I finish it. Then, if I can make it make sense and have a good plot line to it, I might continue it. Make it a series or something. I don't know yet. It's all so confusing...

And there is also the fact that I want to start writing screen plays. (For those who don't know what a screen play is, it's a movie on paper really) And I have NO ideas for it. I mean, I want to write several, get some practice with it, and get good at it. But I can't think of an idea for it. I mean, I'm best with the love stories (Though I'm not a fan of love stories) But I can't think of an idea for one that isn't so lame and overused. I need ideas. I mean, I can't write action, or horror, or scary of any kind. I can do love, and drama, and maybe I could do fantasy....But still. Sigh...
Well, good news is I already have my leading lady and leading man in mind if I infact do a love story. Haha. :)

Man, music makes me happy...Just thought I would share that. Lol.

I don't know what else to say at the moment, so, I'm going to just go...And...I don't know. Try and figure out my writing. If I don't hurry up and do something with my writing my bestie will behead me for sure! Lol. :)

* May The Stars Watch Over You!